PPC: From the Files of Polaris and Aria
by Cat Meringue
Summary: Two partners protecting the canon from the scum of the Sue.
1. Forward

Forward:

Hello. For those of you who have no idea who the PPC (Protectors of the Plot Continuum) are, here's a basic overview:

Where there is fanfiction, there are Mary Sues. While some Mary Sues can be well written, most are bad copies of the author with the additions of the powers and parentages the author would like to have. They overshadow and distort the canon characters around them, causing giant breaches of cannon that simply cannot be allowed to remain.

That's where the PPC comes in. First created by Jay and Acacia, who's fics have been unfairly taken off Fanfiction.net. (You can find them at http://www.misssandman.com/PPC/ppc.html) Intelligence finds a Sue, and a set of partners are dispatched to take care of it. We make note of all the breaches of canon, then charge the Sue for them.

Then we kill the Sue.

For those of you who think this is extreme, turn back. But if you've ever been subjected to the horror that is the common Mary Sue, read on. This is our small way of bringing them to justice.


	2. A Time to Love, a Time to Fly

Protectors of the Plot Continuum

Mary Sue Division

From the Files of Polaris and Aria

Aria skipped down a corridor at Headquarters, whistling the Star Wars theme song to herself. Today was her day. Today was the day she would finally get a partner, and all those solo missions would end. The last one had been particularly a disaster, what with that dragon, and Voldemort stealing her wand, and Hermione's hair-straightener … Aria shuddered and skipped a bit harder to ward away the disturbing memories.

Reflecting back on previous missions did have an advantage. Within Headquarters, if you bothered to pay attention to where you were going, it could take up to nine days, on record, to get there. Because Aria was thinking about Hermione going ballistic with a curling iron, she got to her destination in less than five minutes.

Stopping in front of a blank bit of gray wall, Aria started whistling the Star Wars theme louder, and considerably off-tune. Almost immediately a door outlined itself in the wall and swung open. Giving the door a nod of thanks, Aria entered the office of the Director of Personnel.

The director itself, a daisy called the Marquis de Sod, was sitting in its pot at a desk in the middle of the office. _Must you always sing that infernal song?_ it asked irritably.

"It's common knowledge that singing gets your attention faster," Aria told it cheerfully.

__

Yes, but that of all songs, the daisy lamented.

"My partner?" Aria reminded it.

__

Ah yes. The director seemed all too happy to end a debate on the merits of singing. _She should be here ten minutes ago._

"That's helpful," Aria muttered. "You mean she should have been here ten minutes ago?"

__

Essentially.

"Open the door!" someone yelled.

__

That would be her, the director observed, and the door swung open. 

Aria blinked at the girl in the doorway. Her first thought was that her new partner seemed awfully short. Her second thought was a mental note to never wear a purple vest over a green shirt, especially not with black slacks and boots.

Apparently this girl didn't think much of Aria's fashion sense either. "Fuzzy pink slippers?" were the first words out of her mouth.

Glancing down at the fluffy things covering her feet, Aria asked, "What's wrong with them?"

Sarcastically raised eyebrows were the only reply.

__

Agent Aria, the daisy put in nervously, _this is your new partner, Polaris._

"Nice to meet you," Aria said automatically.

Polaris grinned back. "You too!" She seemed to actually mean this, which was surprising considering they'd been on the edge of an argument over slippers. Or perhaps it wasn't surprising. When you worked for the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, chances were you would eventually go crazy.

__

And now that you two have met, the director said, a slight note of panic edging its mental voice, _I'll leave you to get better acquainted!_ The door slammed shut behind them, not bothering to take into account they had been in the center of the office moments before.

Polaris glowered at the door. "I hate it when they do that."

"It is annoying," Aria agreed, starting off down the corridor. "So. I take it you're not a new recruit. You don't seem very put off by talking to a daisy."

"No, I used to work for intelligence, but, er," Polaris coughed embarrassedly, "they decided I should transfer, and the Department of Mary Sues is understaffed."

"I'll say it is. Everyone's working double-time, and most in the Lord of the Rings continuum. The worst Mary Sues are always there. We have a trickier job, because there are almost as many Mary Sues in the Harry Potter continuum, but they are easier at blending. No one knows exactly why. I have to warn you, though, things are so bad we might have to work in Improbable Crossovers sometimes, or – have you read Lord of the Rings?"

"Yes," Polaris replied. "Do you always talk this fast?"

"Mmm?" Aria said vaguely. "Anyway, that's good, because there's always the chance we might be put on emergency Lord of the Rings duty. Ah, here we are." She gestured Polaris into a small office, the walls of which might once have been white, but were now covered with so many colorful posters it was hard to be sure.

"How … nice," Polaris said insincerely, sitting down on a beanbag chair.

The Harry Potter movie soundtrack began to blast around them. Aria leapt to the computer console at one end of the room and banged her head against the screen for a minute. The music stopped abruptly, and Aria stepped back from it, eyes slightly crossed. "Sorry about that. Only way to make it shut up."

"Maybe if you banged you head hard enough, _you'd_ shut up," Polaris muttered.

"Sorry, didn't quite catch that," Aria continued cheerfully. "I figured music was better than that awful beeping noise it's usually set to. Anyway, that's the warning for our first mission. Take a look at the Words before you go." She glanced at them, winced briefly, and continued, "It's not that painful. This is a good first mission. Anyway, bring some things to entertain yourself with for a few days. We'll be going to Diagon Alley." She punched a few buttons on the console and a portal opened next to it. "Have any weapons? We're going to assassinate the Mary Sue, you know."

Polaris smiled wickedly and held up two knives and a sword.

"That won't do at all," Aria said, then thought a moment. "Actually, it'll do excellently, but as long as we're going to Diagon Alley, we may as well stop off at Ollivander's and get you a wand."

Polaris nodded, made a face at Aria's back as her partner stepped through the portal, then followed.

The portal, which had set their disguise in order to let them blend with the Harry Potter continuum, had them looking like Weasley-ish eleven-year-olds. This was all quite well and good, but Diagon Alley itself wasn't cooperating as nicely. It was looking vague. In fact, it looked like someone had started to sketch it, given up halfway through, and left the picture outside in the rain. Aria snorted in disgust. "Figures. Only a brief mention that the setting is Diagon Alley, and we get this place."

"Does that mean I can't get a wand?" Polaris asked in consternation, looking as though an answer would bring about the end of the world.

"Not on this mission," Aria replied. "Actually, we might as well just have Makes-Things get you one. It'd be much easier."

"All right." Apparently much cheered by this solution, Polaris wandered off through the sketchy Alley.

"Hey, don't go anywhere!" Aria jumped in front of her. "You haven't read the manual, you don't have you CAD, and weren't you listening when I told you to bring –"

"Cad?"

"CAD, Character Analysis Device. Very convenient thing, tells you how out of character your canon characters are. They used to have a separate detector for non-canon characters, to gauge if they're Mary Sues or not, but Makes-Things was good enough to incorporate the two detectors. Like I said, very convenient." Aria dug around in the book bag she was conveniently carrying. "Here, this is the manual –" and she handed Polaris a thick paperback book " – this is your CAD – " handing over a small handheld computer-ish device " – this is a sandwich for later – " said sandwich passed " – and this is a bag to put them in," she finished, pulling another book bag out of her own.

Looking overwhelmed, Polaris stuffed the book, CAD, and sandwich in the bag, then slung it over her shoulder. "Er … thanks?"

"By the way," Aria said, "know any card games?"

"_What_?"

"She'll be arriving around now," Aria continued, pulled out her CAD, and skipped off down the sketchy Alley. With a shrug, Polaris skipped off after her, and crashed abruptly into Aria's outstretched arm. 

"Shhh," her partner hissed. "You don't want to attract the Sue's attention." She glanced at the CAD as Polaris pulled it out of her bag. "And you might want to set that thing on 'mute'."

Through the brick archway leading into Diagon Alley, which seemed to be the only reasonably well-defined thing in the place, tumbled an auburn-haired girl of about thirteen, bringing a large quantity of ash with her.

George Weasley appeared out of nowhere and caught her.

Polaris glanced at Aria in horror. "Since when can the entrance to Diagon Alley also be used as a Floo powder route?"

"Since right now," Aria replied, and pointed the CAD at the girl.

[Ellenora Bethany Zarnee. Human female. Non-canon. Mary Sue.]

"Amazing," Aria murmured. "The CAD hasn't gone bonkers." She looked at Polaris in relief. "This one isn't too bad." She grabbed Polaris's hand. "Here, take a look at George."

Jerking her hand out of Aria's grip, Polaris turned again to the scene before her. Ellenora's eyes were busy saying, "Your name should be Campbell, 'cuz you are mm.mm. good." 

Polaris gave Aria a haunted look. "_CAMPBELL_?!"

"I know," Aria agreed. "It just got worse."

"That was her eyes speaking!" Polaris said hysterically. "Why by all the gods can we _hear_ her _eyes_?!"

"Their words were in double quotations; therefore they were spoken aloud," Aria said reasonably. "Now, let's see what the CAD has to say about George."

With considerable misgiving, Polaris pointed the device at George. It read [George Weasley. Human male. Canon. Out of character 48.6%]

"How bad is forty-eight-point-six percent?"

"Better than it could be," Aria replied unhelpfully. "Watch for falling Weasleys."

Fred, Mrs. Weasley, Percy, Ron, and Ginny all biped into existence, looked momentarily confused, and then started very random conversations with each other. "Oy! George, quit flirting! Mum says we've got shopping to do!" Fred called.

The words WHO'S THAT? became visible on Ellenora's face. Aria and Polaris winced. "This," Polaris muttered, "is really, really disturbing."

"This," Aria said cautiously, "is an easy mission."

Polaris winced again. "I _really_ don't like it here."

"If you don't mind my saying, why exactly are you in the PPC if things like this are disturbing you?"

"Search me." Polaris leapt to her feet. "So! When do we get to kill that annoyance?"

Aria blinked at her partner, reflecting on the wisdom and truth of the rumor that some homicidal maniac must be the one to pair all partners at the PPC. There was absolutely no other way to explain how everyone ended up with someone their exact opposite. Toying with the hope that maybe she'd find something in common with Polaris once they were back at Headquarters, Aria dismissed the idea. After all, they would probably be at Headquarters for two minutes, if they were lucky, before being handed their next assignment.

"We don't get to kill her yet," Aria finally told Polaris. "What we do first is teleport to the Burrow, which will be better defined, and sleep there for the night. In the morning, read the Words and the manual. I'll re-read the Words, so we can figure out where she officially disrupts canon. _Then_ we kill her."

"Can I slit her throat?"

Feeling slightly queasy, Aria croaked, "Sure."

"Tell me," Polaris added, "since you seem to so love the idea of killing people, why are you in the Mary Sue department?"

"Because they gave me a trial mission, and it involved Remus Lupin and some blonde slut." Aria gave Polaris a dark glower. "Needless to say, I am not always willing to let things live."

"I won't ask."

"Smart girl," Aria said, her expression returning to relative cheerfulness. "Now let's go to the Burrow, shall we?"

"Half a moment." Polaris gestured towards a rather generic-looking mother-figure now being enthusiastically greeted by Weasleys. Shuffling through her pack, Polaris pulled out her CAD and was ready to point it at the woman when Aria grabbed her hand.

"Is that thing on mute?"

"No, don't think so," Polaris replied, looking suddenly very worried. "Will something awful happen to it?"

"It might make a beeping noise," Aria said, flicking a switch on the side of the CAD. "There, should be safe now. We don't want to attract the Sue's attention."

"We don't?" Polaris said, feigning surprise, and pointed the CAD at the woman. [Aunt Judith. Human female. Non-canon. Bit character.] read the device. "Bit character?"

"Bit character means she's not very important but we have to kill her too," Aria said a bit impatiently. "For the love of all that is good, just read the manual!" 

"All right, all right. I'm supposed to read it at the Burrow, remember?"

"Right." Aria pulled another electronic-looking gadget out of her bag. "This is the teleportation-thingy. It'll teleport us to the Burrow." She opened a portal and stepped through.

Polaris rolled her eyes. "Teleportation-thingy. How very helpful."

"Come on! We've got all day, but I'm still in a hurry!" Aria's voice called faintly from through the portal. Rolling her eyes again, Polaris stepped through.

That evening found them lying on a faintly grassy greenness at the edge of the Weasleys' Quidditch field. Aria was lying in a plaid sleeping bag, staring vaguely into the middle distance. Polaris, sitting on top of her own black sleeping bag, looked up from reading the manual. "What're you doing?"

"Mmm?" Aria said. "Oh. I'm reading the Words."

"Why?" Polaris shuddered. "They're awful."

"I know. But I have to find out where this Ellenora Sue officially breaks canon, and it doesn't hurt to hate the story. It makes it considerably less painful to kill the Sue." Aria yawned. "Just wait. In a few chapters everything becomes one giant paragraph, so we're going to be a little squished. Enjoy the open space while you can."

"Oh, that's comforting," Polaris muttered, and went back to the manual. About ten minutes later, she leapt up and hugged Aria enthusiastically. "Yes! We get to charge her!"

Aria blinked. "Yes. What's so wonderful?"

"We can tell her every single thing she did wrong! And rub it in! And not give her any sappy last words! Yes! Yes!"

Pulling away slowly, so as not to frighten Polaris, Aria moved her sleeping bag a little farther away, muttered something about how the world was so cruel to her, and began to read more Words.

"Don't we have to watch her a bit to get charges?"

"YES," Aria snapped. "Now would you just let me … oh, that's terrible."

"What's terrible?"

"I skipped the first chapter," Aria explained, "because it was just idiotic background on our dear Sue. I just saw a bit of it, though, so listen to the horror – 'Her favorite part, though, was the Hogwarts motto, _Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titilandus_ which means: _The Dragon Sleeps While We Have Fun_.' Last time I checked, it meant _Never Tickle A Sleeping Dragon_. Am I right?"

"You're right," Polaris agreed gloomily. "This is awful." She brightened suddenly. "On the other hand, we now have a charge for her! Screwing up the Hogwarts motto!"

"We'll need more than that," Aria replied. "However, since nighttime seems slow in coming, I suggest we go inside to collect more charges."

"I don't think we can do that," Polaris told her. "Look here." She lifted the manual. "Page 320, paragraph four – 'Unlike canon characters, Mary Sues can see PPC agents. Because of this, it is essential to stay out of eyesight and earshot of all Mary Sues.' See?"

"And that," Aria said smugly, rummaging around in her book bag, "is the beauty of this continuum. Invisibility Cloaks are perfectly canon." She pulled two out with a flourish.

"Oooh," Polaris said enthusiastically, grabbing one. "Preeety."

Aria gave her a sidelong look. "Oy. Just put it on." Giving action to words, she threw on her own cloak and set off towards the Burrow, which was only slightly less sketchy than Diagon Alley had been. Still grinning over her own cloak, Polaris followed. 

They arrived in the Weasleys' kitchen in time to see George come in with the Mary Sue and say in a sports-announcer voice, "May I now present.Ellenora Bethany Zaaaaaaaaaaarneeeeeeeeeeeee!"

"Bad grammar, check," Polaris muttered.

Aria winced and pointed her CAD at George. [George Weasley. Human male. Canon. 83.7% CHARACTER RUPTURE!] "This is getting really bad." As though determined to prove her right, George now stepped in front of the Sue and said to Percy, "You'll have to get through me to get to her!" in that same dramatic voice as before. 

The CAD now read [George Weasley. Human male. Canononcanonanononcanon lalalaaalong timeagoinagalaxyfarfaraway] "Wonderful," Polaris hissed. "Just perfect."

The two assassins averted their eyes as Fred and George both defended the Sue against Percy (who was remarkably still only 17% out of character). Then George picked up the giggling Ellenora and proceeded to give her a piggyback ride as Mrs. Weasley and the bit character, Aunt Judith, whispered to each other. 

Ellenora looked at George gravely, quite a feat while still being on top of him piggyback. "Do you think they're plotting our murders or maybe they're arguing about which one of us would make a better hostage?" she whispered loud enough for everyone in the room to hear.

"Murder, dear girl, murder," Polaris whispered. Aria elbowed her sharply.

Meanwhile, the canon characters were busy thinking Ellenora's mediocre acting was hilarious. Ron nearly choked on his toast. Ginny giggled at Ron. George took her hands and, because those hands weren't specified, ended up holding Ginny's hands and saying fervently, "They can take me my dear, Ellenora!" 

Ginny's milk almost came out of her nose. The Sue looked pleased, evidently thinking Ginny thought she was funny, but it was fairly obvious to the two assassins that George addressing her as Ellenora amused Ginny.

Out of morbid curiosity, Aria pointed the CAD at Ginny. [Ginny Weasley. Human female. Canon. Out of character 28%] Aria stared at the reading. Ginny was usually much less resistant to Mary Sues.

This particular Sue had her arms wrapped tightly around George and said in fake tears, "I won't let them darling. I'll never let them take you!" Everybody at the table broke into joyous applause. 

"George, dear, maybe you should let go now," Mrs. Weasley said randomly, looking as though she was on the verge of laughter.

"Bad acting, check," Polaris said to Aria.

"Major character rupture, check," Aria said back. "Let's leave before I hurl."

"No problem." Polaris glanced back at the kitchen as they made for the door. "Hey, George has the hots for an eleven-year-old who looks his age. And he's looking sort of melted around the edges. Is this normal?"

"Our Ellenora has made him love her, and he's currently melting at her touch," Aria replied absently. "This is why I want to leave now."

"Right," Polaris nodded, and took one last look at the kitchen. "Say, I think the twins regained some of their character. Is her hair supposed to be purple?"

"Wake up!" Someone whacked Aria repeatedly in the stomach. She sat up.

"Awake, awake." She peered blearily at Polaris for a moment before remembering that the girl was her new partner. "Ah. Lo, Polaris. What is it?"

"Too squished to sleep," Polaris explained.

"The paragraph-a-chapter-long has started. Don't worry, it'll go away sometime tomorrow morning."

"That's a relief," Polaris said sarcastically. "And what do we do in the meantime?"

"Sleep."

"I'm not tired. It's too squished." Polaris looked up at the Burrow. "And everyone's still awake. Maybe we can get more charges?"

Aria gave her a sleepy glare. "Oh, all right."

The two donned their Invisibility Cloaks again and crept up to the Burrow's kitchen. Apparently all action in the Weasley home happened in the kitchen. At the moment, the action consisted of Ellenora tromping down the stairs and George noticing that, somehow, she could seem to be floating even when she was hobbling/jumping down the stairs.

Polaris winced again. "I wish we didn't have to see the bad sentence structure."

Eying the Sue as she floated downwards in a hobbling manner, Aria observed, "It's rather like dropping a balloon down stairs. It bounces, but it's sort of floaty." Seeing the look Polaris directed at her, Aria amended, "But humans shouldn't be able to do that, so we can add that to the charge list."

"All right then," Polaris agreed, and watched the balloon-like Sue with interest.

"Don't just stare you two.Go help her!" Percy, still a remarkable 17% out of character, barked at the twins. Their eyes got round as they edged slowly away from their irritable brother. 

"I thought eyes only got that round in cartoons," Aria observed.

"And why are they so afraid of Percy?" Polaris lamented. "They're never afraid of Percy!"

"Character rupture," Aria reminded her.

The twins, for once in their life, heeded their brother's words and walked up the stairs to greet the Sue. They stood on the second step under her and offered their shoulders. 

"Amazing," Polaris murmured. "Contortionists."

Slinging an arm around each of the twin's shoulders, the Sue was carried down the steps in style. She laughed and started to sing joyfully. Apparently she was singing vowels arranged into a beautiful melody, but Aria eyed the Burrow's windows with apprehension and Polaris curled into the fetal position, whimpering. Realizing her partner wouldn't be much use while traumatized, Aria grabbed Polaris and helped her out of the house.

"That was _vile_," Polaris moaned when she could once again speak coherent words. "Can we please kill her now?"

"No," Aria said. "And do you know what's worse? The Weasleys _liked_ her 'singing'."

"Uggh," was Polaris's reply.

"This is getting very bad," Aria admitted. "I'll look over the Words again and see if I can't find an ideal time to kill her. You can …" She glanced down at her partner. Polaris looked faintly green. "You lie down a while, okay?"

"Sure," Polaris muttered, and crawled into her sleeping bag. Shaking her head, Aria returned to the Words.

The next morning, Aria was very cheerful. Polaris, who didn't appear to be a morning person, wasn't speaking to her partner, and Aria was getting impatient. It seemed to be just her luck she not only got a partner who was absolutely insane, but said partner wouldn't even ask her why she was acting so smug. Finally Aria commented, "We're going to King's Cross today."

Polaris leapt to her feet. "Really? Wow! I always wanted to run through the barrier at the station! This'll be so fun!" 

She sounded so overly excited that Aria couldn't be sure whether she was genuinely pleased or being extremely sarcastic, though she suspected it was the latter. Pretending it was the former (after all, ignorance is bliss), Aria said briskly, "Excellent. Store your sleeping bag in a plot hole and I'll teleport us to the station."

Polaris did so, still looking rather too excited, and turned back to Aria, who was fidgeting and hadn't yet opened a portal. "Yes?"

"Well … the thing is …" Aria coughed nervously. "You realize that everything won't go back to canon once our Sue is gone, because there's still her Aunt Judith to take care of, and …"

Polaris frowned. "And?"

"Do me a favor, will you? Next mission, read the Words. It'll make everything much easier." Aria rubbed her forehead. "The Sue has a cat."

"And?" Polaris said again.

"It's non-canon," Aria explained rather miserably. "In other words, canon won't realign itself until we get rid of it."

Polaris's expression shifted rapidly from overly happy to utterly horrified. "We have to _kill_ a _cat_?"

"We have to uproot the Sunflower Official," Aria corrected through gritted teeth.

"Sunflower Official?" Polaris repeated, momentarily thrown.

"Head of the Mary Sue division," Aria explained. "In other words, the one who wants all non-canon things out of the way, including poor innocent cats."

"Let's deal with the cat last," Polaris suggested. "Can we kill Aunt Judith now?"

As with the last time Polaris had mentioned killing, her partner turned faintly green and nodded. "You go right ahead."

"And what will you do, while I'm killing Aunt Judith?"

"Well, use your teleportation-thingy to –"

"Oh yes, my teleportation-thingy." Polaris smiled falsely. "I've had it for some years now. It's my constant companion. I know exactly how it works. I simply love my teleportation-thingy, but sadly enough, it's non-existent."

Aria blinked. "Point taken. When we get back to Headquarters, I'm dropping you off with Makes-Things so you can get a wand and teleportation-thingy and any other little gadgets you might want or need, and then I'm having words with the Sunflower Official." She paused. "_And _the Director of Personnel." 

"Shall we discuss this for another few hours, or get back to the mission on hand?"

Aria straightened. "Right. Mission. Since you don't have a teleportation-thingy, I'll lend you mine."

"And I know exactly how to work it."

Giving her partner a severe look, Aria said, "You should. It's in the manual. Now, as I was saying, I'll create a portal to King's Cross. The Weasleys, the Sue, and the Aunt are all going to the station, but there I suggest we split up. I'll follow the Weasley kids and the Sue onto the train, and you stay at the station to, er, take care of Aunt Judith. Mrs. Weasley shouldn't give you too much trouble; the most she can do is hit you with her handbag. Once the bit character is gone, check Mrs. Weasley with your CAD – she should be back in character by at least twenty percent. Right now she's about eighty percent out of character, so she should only be sixty OOC after you finish the job. Got all that?"

"Yes. You still need to work on talking slower."

"Good," Aria smiled. "Now, after you've completed, er, getting rid of the bit character, find something to do with her body. I suggest the Loch Ness kelpie, but if you have any other ideas, you can use those instead. Use the teleportation-thingy to get rid of her, and then use it to come to Hogwarts in time for the Sorting. Got that too?"

"Talk more slowly."

Aria gave her partner a big grin. "Good then! Let's go." She produced the teleportation-thingy, pressed some buttons, and a minute later they were standing in King's Cross Station, trying their hardest to ignore Mr. Weasley randomly complaining about how awful gel pens tasted and the booming voice of an author's note agreeing with him on that point. 

Handing Polaris the teleportation-thingy, Aria grinned again, whispered "Good luck!" and trotted off after the Weasley children boarding the train.

Once her partner's back was turned, Polaris shot her a dark look. _They would give me a partner who doesn't enjoy violence. _To console herself, she turned her attention to the undefined and now rather lifeless Aunt Judith. _At least I don't have to charge the 'bit' characters. But I refuse to kill the cat._

Falling into step behind Judith and Mrs. Weasley, Polaris waited until they had left the station before pulling out her dagger. Tapping Aunt Judith on the shoulder, she held the dagger behind her back until the bit character turned to face her.

It was all over rather quickly. As Mrs. Weasley stood blinking in confusion, Polaris pointed the CAD at her, and was pleased to see that, while she was still not back to normal (and couldn't be until the Sue was disposed of), she was 25% less ruptured – better than Aria had predicted. Before Mrs. Weasley could regain any semblance of comprehension, Polaris opened the portal and dragged the bit's body through.

The darkness of the Forbidden Forest welcomed her. Dragging the body by the feet, she made her way toward the spot she had in mind. She noticed spiders scuttling along the ground next to her, and grinned wickedly.

Despite her enjoyment of her task, Polaris winced slightly when she entered the hollow. Spiders were okay, generally, so long as they took it into their heads to climb over her. However, spiders that were big enough to lift a full grown human caused her to shudder and suppress the desire to run screaming from the forest.

One of the aforementioned spiders, an old and milky-eyed beast, turned its blind eyes toward her. ''Why have you come here?" it inquired through clicking pincers.

"Brought you a present!" Polaris told it, dragging Aunt Judith forward. She dropped the body and turned to go.

To find her way blocked by hundreds of spiders.

Aria stared in horror at the scene before her.

Harry Potter Mary Sues were bad enough in their natural habitat – namely, Harry's fifth year and occasionally the Marauder era. But what she was seeing now, the messing up of already-made canon, was enough to make her queasy. She pitied the Lord of the Rings assassins. Deeply.

Her particular Sue was busy demonstrating that Harry and Ron only met through her intervention. She hissed "Go!" at Ron and pushed him through the compartment door. Ron was gazing at Harry in such blatant awe that Aria suppressed a gag.

The Sue sauntered into the compartment after Ron and sat down next to Harry, then proceeded to make random banter with Ron about her shoes, obviously thinking she was very funny. Then – Aria braced herself – the Sue turned to Harry. 

"Oh, uh. I'm Elle by the way," she said holding her hand out for him to shake. 

"No, Harry!" Aria couldn't resist whispering dramatically. "Don't give in!"

Harry shook the offered hand and introduced himself politely.

"So, Harry," the Sue prattled. "Where ya from?" "Surrey," he answered. "I'm from Tennessee…America," she added as an afterthought. 

Aria writhed in agony for the paragraphs.

"Man, guys don't make conversation easy when girls are around, do they?" the Sue said as she stood up, and exited the compartment. 

After waiting a moment, Aria entered Harry and Ron's compartment. Now that the Sue was gone, they looked quite a bit like rag dolls. Shaking her head, Aria pointed her CAD at Harry. [Harry Potter. Human male. Canon. Out of character 12%] Giving the unseeing boy a nod of approval, Aria exited and hurried off after the Sue.

She caught up with Ellenora just as Hermione stopped her in the corridor and asked quite rudely, "Is there a reason that you're walking around so loudly?" The Sue smiled widely, as though she had received a compliment, and Aria cautiously pointed the CAD at Hermione. [Hermione Granger. Human female. Canon. Out of character 29.6%] Well, it could be worse.

The Sue laughed cheerfully in Hermione's face and made a feeble excuse for her 'loud walking'. Hermione, looking terribly dubious, said, "Why are you walking around then?" 

Aria resisted the urge to bang her head against the compartment wall, and resolutely took no notice of the very faint and urgent beeping her CAD was now making. Hermione, still looking confused, beckoned Ellenora into her compartment. Aria, standing just outside it, ignored their pointless conversation and instead muttered, "Three … two … one …"

Neville Longbottom, looking distraught, barged past her and flung open the door of Hermione's compartment. "What's wrong?" the girls asked in sickening unison. "My toad, Trevor, have you seen him? The pudgy little boy asked. 

"Lack of paragraphs, lack of punctuation, check," Aria muttered before realizing she seemed to be picking up Polaris's habit of doing her mental charge list aloud. She sighed and turned back to the compartment in time to see Hermione apologizing for the absence of pet toads, pity billowing all over. It smelled rather like rose perfume gone bad. Aria wrinkled her nose.

Neville, in response to either Hermione's reply or her scent of pity, moaned and sighed, then introduced himself sulkily. Aria's CAD, sounding almost as sulky, beeped more loudly. Aria hit it.

"Well, Neville, I'm sure we can help you find Trevor!" the Sue said brightly to Neville. In return, the boy's expression lightened slightly. Rhetorically, he smiled a little and said to the girls, "Thank you so much! But, what are your names?"

"I'm Hermione and this is Elle," Hermione responded with sickening brightness. The Sue nodded with a smile. Even Aria, who probably grinned more often than was healthy, was getting heartily sick of all the smiling. Shaking her head ruefully, the assassin followed Hermione, Neville, and the Sue as they wandered the engine, taking turns in asking compartments if they'd seen Neville's toad. Apparently the engine of the train was now housing compartments as well. It was rather crowded.

The Sue and the two canon characters now stopped in front of a door with heavy laughing behind it. Aria frowned in concentration, trying to get her mind around the idea of heavy laughter. Ellenora raised her eyebrows and pulled open the door. "Oh, Hi guys," she said from the doorway. Inside were Fred and George Weasley and one other boy, who Aria recognized to be Lee Jordan. "Ellie! We'd like you to meet Lee Jordan. He's our best friend!" One of the twins said. 'Ellie' smiled and held out her hand. "It's nice to meet you Lee," she said graciously.

As Lee shook the outstretched hand with more vigour than strictly necessary, Aria pointed the CAD at him. After giving a sulky beep, it said [Lee Jordan. Human male. Canon. Out of character 19.8%] Aria raised her eyebrows. Impressive.

The Sue now queried "Oh, Umm...Have any of you seen a toad? He's green with brown splotches," The boys glanced at each other.

"Nope. Sorry, Ellie," Lee said. "Ah, 'Ellie'. Fred and George talk about me, I see," Elle said smugly. Lee laughed, "All the time. They won't shut up!"

Aria frowned again, trying to discern who was talking, and had to duck quickly to avoid having toad plastered all over her face. Luckily, the toad sailed over her and landed inside the compartment on top of Ellenora's head. She gasped a bit and may have yelled if Neville hadn't said, "Trevor! You've come back!" The Sue's eyes went wide as she took the toad off her head and handed it to Neville. "He likes you, Elle!" Neville exclaimed. She smiled at Neville. Everyone cracked up for no apparent reason.

In dread, Aria cautiously pointed the CAD at Trevor the Toad. [Trevor. Male horned toad. Canonnoncanonnoncanonnon canoniliketoeatflies inagalaxyfarfaraway] Aria gave the CAD a whack to make sure it wouldn't go ballistic and start beeping, then shoved it back in her book bag. 

Turning back to the humans in the compartment, she watched them amiably chatting about nothing. Hermione looked perfectly content, and Aria hoped the CAD wouldn't short out soon. 

She sat outside the compartment door for a while, listening to everyone discussing the finer points of Quidditch, and mentally corrected them. Then, quite abruptly, the train came to a complete stop, and Aria was thrown against the far wall of the corridor. She murmured, "Ow," and was just in time to scramble to her feet, albeit dazed, and look as though she had meant to be there in the first place before Hermione pulled open the compartment door with an anxious smile and said to the others, "Let's go!"

Aria followed them out of the train and was immediately at a loss. There were only first years on the platform, milling around Hagrid. The usual queue of carriages to tale older students to the school was missing, along with all the older students. Rolling her eyes, Aria stepped away from the platform into the dark Hogsmeade street, pulled her wand out of the book bag, and muttered, "_Accio Comet Two Sixty,_" then sat down on the cobblestone to wait.

After a moment or three, a rather decrepit broomstick sailed down the street and into her waiting hand. Smiling at it, Aria sighed, "I love this continuum," and mounted the broomstick. She flew low, not to stay out of sight (for it was very unlikely the Sue would be looking up anytime soon – according to the Words she was in a boat arguing with Draco Malfoy, the boy in question being only six percent out of character), but because Aria was afraid of heights. Still, broomsticks were so fun she could risk floating seven feet off the ground.

Fuzzy pink slippers skimming the grass, Aria and her borrowed broomstick floated across the Hogwarts lawn. She slowed the broom in order to smile and nod at the Whomping Willow, which waved its branches at her in a friendly manner, knowing she was here to restore the world back to its original order.

These pleasant thoughts were interrupted by someone yelling loudly, "SPIDERSPIDERSPIDERS!" Aria turned towards the Forbidden Forest in time to see her partner, distinctly disheveled and worse for wear, come tearing out. Polaris, spotting Aria and evidently not registering the broomstick she was on, rushed over and grabbed the hem of her floating robes. "Run! Lotsa spiders from Forest after us!"

Aria, who didn't fancy spiders all that much herself, stole a furtive glance at the trees, then pulled her partner on the broomstick behind her and shot off towards the school, going considerably higher and faster than she usually liked to.

Landing in front of the school's front doors, Aria gave the broom a grateful pat and shooed it away towards the broom shed, then pulled the doors open, yanked her bewildered partner inside, and slammed the doors shut. The echo boomed through the entrance hall.

"And what, may I ask, were you doing?"

Still looking considerably shaken, Polaris said, "Getting rid of the bit character's body." She managed a shaky, false grin. "Aragog didn't like my present much, it seems."

Aria rolled her eyes. "Why didn't you teleport yourself out?"

Polaris had the grace to look sheepish. "Forgot. Too many spiders chasing me."

Sighing, Aria admitted, "I don't care for spiders either, so I'll let this pass. But next time, plan ahead, for goodness sakes!" She paused. "Now, we'd better get into the Great Hall or we'll miss the Sorting."

"Oh, we wouldn't want to miss something like _that_."

Deciding that comment wouldn't get the satisfaction of an answer, Aria simply pulled her partner into the Great Hall, then sat them down at the most convenient table, which happened to be filled with Slytherins. 

Ellenora was just getting the Sorting Hat placed on her head by Professor McGonagall. With the benefit that comes of being a PPC agent, or perhaps just too much time listening to flowers talk in mental voices, both assassins could hear what the hat was saying to the Sue.

"Ah, Bethany. Wait, you can't be Bethany. You're definitely a Lupin though...Ellenora! Ah, yes. Well, it's fairly obvious that you've got at least some traits of all the houses, but the ones that stand out most boldly are from Gryffindor. That's where we'll put you then. GRYFFINDOR!" the hat said, screaming the last word.

The two assassins turned to each other, looks of identical horror on their faces. "Right," Aria growled. "Now it's personal. _Related to a Lupin_, are we?"

Polaris reflected that it was fairly impressive to see her partner actually wanting to kill something. Her train of thought didn't get much further, however, because now Ellenora sat in her seat on the train contemplating what the sorting had been like back in first year. Fred and George were laughing somewhere with Lee. She was sure they were close, yet they sounded so distant. It was their last year at Hogwarts. I'm gonna miss 'em, Elle thought. No more pranks. No more anything for that matter, she continued mentally.

Turning to Aria in a daze, Polaris commented, "That went fast."

Aria shook her head. "I'll say." 

Sitting in the train compartment with the Sue were Harry, now looking as though he were about thirteen, Ron, looking impossibly tall but no different otherwise, and Hermione, who they only recognized because the Words said it was one Miss Granger. Hermione's teeth were smaller and straighter. She had somehow gotten her hair to calm down a little. She'd grown about an inch or two. She now had glasses with thin gold frames and elliptical lenses.

Both assassins' CADs shrieked. Polaris solved this by smashing hers. Aria's simply shorted out. In the compartment, Ellenora looked around, frowning vaguely, before Ron suggested a game of Exploding Snap and her attention turned back to her 'friends'.

"That game's so loud though, Ron!" Hermione protested. "I wanna play!" Harry and Elle chorused. "Cool!" Ron exclaimed, totally oblivious to Hermione's objection. She sighed.

"Who do you reckon is gonna be the Defense professor this year?" Hermione asked as she watched Harry and Ron Shuffle the cards with their eyes closed and faces turned in case one of the cards decided to blow itself up. "Lupin," Ron answered simply. "Dad," Elle said at the same time.

Aria's expression turned murderous. "I … _hate_ … her," she hissed.

Polaris grinned. "That's why we're going to kill her."

Instead of turning green, Aria looked much cheered, and announced, "Beware of introspective memories. We are now switching points of view, ladies and gentlemen."

Polaris smiled toothily. "Wonderful."

Hermione nodded, remembering the first time she, Ron, Harry, and all the other Gryffindors, with the exception of Ellie, had realized that Professor Lupin was Ellie's father. 

Unfortunately, at this point the narrative switched from Hermione's memories of the past to Hermione's actual experience at the time, and the two assassins found themselves in the Defense classroom. Lupin into the classroom holding an aquarium tank, and Polaris gave Aria an odd look as she squeaked, smiling mistily at the professor.

Lupin set the tank down on his desk and stepped aside for the class to observe. Just then, Professor McGonagall walked into the room. Ellie's left eye went sleepy looking. She breathed in through her nose, pulled back slightly, put her hands to her face, and sneezed three times. Lupin, just seconds after, had scratched his eye and then repeated the process exactly the same. 'Cats,' they had both muttered. Ellie turned and smiled at the professor. The Gryffindor students had noticed odd similarities between the two, but thought nothing of them.

Lupin beamed back. The smile. It was the exact same. They had the same, slightly crooked teeth. The same, raised cheeks. The whole class gawked. Lavender and Parvati had been the ones to raise the subject the night before.

Polaris snorted. "That was random."

"REMUS IS NOT ALLERGIC TO CATS!" Aria shrieked, and they were thrown back into the corridor of the Hogwarts Express with a jolt.

Draco Malfoy took that moment to come sweeping through the corridor and throw the compartment door open, saying in a wicked voice, "Look who we have here, boys! It's Harry Pothead, Ron Measly, The Lone Granger, and Elle Zookeeper!" 

"He's talking to himself," Polaris lamented. "Draco, Crabbe and Goyle_ aren't with you_!"

"This gets steadily more ridiculous," Aria commented, completely ignoring her partner's outburst. "Sure, I can accept Harry Pothead, though it was Potty last time I checked. But he calls Ron _Weasel_, not _Measly_, and not having any American pop culture whatsoever, Malfoy would call Hermione _Mudblood_, not anything else!" She shook her head. "Impossible."

"It's Zarnee, and unless you've got a purpose here, Dragon boy, leave. We don't need any ferrets in our compartment!" the Sue said tiredly.

She, Ron, Harry, and Hermione all made little chirpy ferret noises. Draco glared then turned on his heel and left. Polaris made a very rude gesture in the general direction of the Sue's compartment. Aria, pointing her CAD after Draco, remembered it was shorted and sighed. 

"Hey," she said cautiously to her partner, who was still looking incredibly irate. "Would you please give me the teleportation-thingy? We're going to the Great Hall, two years from now."

"Why?" Polaris asked listlessly.

"We can kill the Sue there."

Eyes lighting, Polaris eagerly handed Aria the teleportation-thingy. "Here! Quick! Let's go!"

Aria opened a portal. As they stepped through, the disembodied voice of the Sue explained to them that Aunt Judith had died around Christmas (Polaris snorted), that Ellenora had gone to live with the Weasleys, and that the Weasleys had, by pure coincidence, become incredibly rich. 

Then the two assassins were in the Great Hall of Hogwarts, and random people in wizards' robes were filing in for the reception. Grabbing her partner's hand, Aria dragged Polaris out of the Hall. "Quickly! We need to catch her before she comes into the Great Hall, graduates, and is proposed to by George!"

Ellenora wasn't hard to find. She was wearing generic graduation robes, complete with the hat, and Aria simply tapped her on the shoulder. The Sue turned around, glowing with happiness. "Oh, hello!"

"Hi," Aria said shortly. "Ellenora Bethany Zarnee, you are charged with changing the Hogwarts motto, messing with the characterizations of sundry Weasleys, Harry, Hermione, Neville …" She frowned. "Actually, messing up every canon character you come across, including Trevor the Toad! Anyway, you are also charged with utterly massacring canon, being related to an angel _and_ Remus Lupin," she began to breathe harder, looking annoyed, "amazing sundry canon characters with mediocre acting, defying the laws of physics by floating while limping, creating stupid new nicknames for Draco to call Harry, Ron, and Hermione, killing my eardrums with that awful noise you call singing, and," she finished in a yell, "above all for making Remus allergic to cats!" Aria paused and looked at her partner. "Did I miss anything?"

"Yes," Polaris said, looking as though she were enjoying this much more than strictly necessary. "You are also charged with not separating your paragraphs, cruelty to the common comma, and being contradictory. Also for using really stupid character descriptions," she gave the Sue a frozen look. "Campbell? Excuse me?" She shook her head. "And lastly for giving Hermione glasses, which she does not wear."

"Do you have any last, non-sappy words?" Aria asked conversationally.

Ellenora, who didn't seem as dense as some Mary Sues, had cottoned on that two normal-looking, bespectacled Hogwarts students were trying to kill her. So, not caring that nowhere in the fic had she specifically been told she was related to an angel, she proclaimed, "You cannot slay a divine being, you demon!"

Polaris blinked, then smiled sardonically. "Oh, can't I?"

And Ellenora was suddenly sprouting a knife from her chest. She fell over. Polaris smiled more widely, kneeled down, and pulled out her knife, wiping it clean on her robes. Aria winced, and averting her eyes, commented, "Maybe when she said she was a divine being, she meant she was related to Remus?"

Rolling her eyes, Polaris sheathed her knife and slung the Sue's body over her shoulder. "I think she meant the angel side of the family."

Aria grinned and reflected that maybe having a partner wasn't as bad as it was cracked up to be. "So, what do we do with the body?"

Polaris's smile turned evil. "One word – Fluffy."

* * *

"Eat up, boy," Aria told the massive three-headed dog affectionately. "Ohh, you cute big puppy, you!"

Polaris scratched one of Fluffy's contented heads behind an ear. "He is sort of cute when he isn't trying to eat someone."

Aria started to say she thought it would be amusing to watch the dog eat Draco Malfoy, then thought better of it. Draco appeared to be Polaris's registered lust object, and suggestions of his demise probably wouldn't help their relationship any. Instead she suggested, "Let's tie up the loose end and go back to Headquarters."

"The cat?" Polaris nodded. "I'll take care of it."

Wincing and trying to ignore the tears pricking the corners of her eyes, Aria opened the portal to where Aunt Judith's house supposedly was. Stepping through, the assassins discovered that it was basically gray sketchy nothingness but for the fat orange tabby, which looked at them with evident interest, then trotted over.

Polaris crouched down in front of the cat. Fitz, as he was called according to the Words, sniffed her hand, then rubbed against it, purring.

"Um …" Aria tried, but her next words got stuck in her throat. Polaris getting friendly with the cat was a bad idea. She should've gotten her bow and arrows, and shot at it from a distance.

Looking up, Polaris said happily, "Let's keep him!"

Aria blinked. "_What_?"

"If we take him out of here everything will go back to canon, won't it?" Polaris said eagerly. "So let's take him back to Headquarters with us!"

"We don't have cat food," Aria pointed out feebly. Polaris and the cat gave her identical looks of reproach, and she sighed. "All right, if that's the only alternative to killing him." She smiled slightly. "But he's your cat, Polaris."

"Yes!" Polaris grinned, and scooped up the cat. "We're going back to Headquarters, Meringue!"

"_Meringue_?" Aria, having finished opening the portal, asked incredulously. 

"Well, his name can't very well be Fitz, can it?" Polaris said reasonably, and stepped back into their office. Aria followed, shaking her head, and the portal closed behind them.

"All right then." She offered the orange tabby, now called Meringue, her hand. He sniffed it, then blinked at her, and let her rub a thumb behind his ears. Aria grinned. "He's your cat all right."

"Good," Polaris said, and set Meringue down to explore the office.

"Now," Aria said, "I'm going to talk to the Sunflower Official, and on the way back I'll pick up some cat food. You go to Makes-Things, and get a wand and your own teleportation-thingy and some new CADs for both of us and a bed for Meringue and anything else you can think of. Got it? Good." And she left before her partner could answer.

Polaris glanced down at Meringue. "Hopeless," she told him, and followed her partner out the door.


	3. Dancing With Fireflies

Protectors of the Plot Continuum

Mary Sue Division

From the Files of Polaris and Aria 

            Polaris quickly lost track of her partner in the winding corridors of Headquarters. To avoid thinking of where she was going, she shoved her hands into her pockets and brooded on her first mission. Aria had said it hadn't been bad compared to some. That didn't bode well for Polaris and her already tentative grip on sanity. She knew herself well enough to know that she was probably going to give Aria hell, and the poor girl really didn't deserve that… and if she ever found out _why exactly Polaris had been kicked out of Intelligence, she'd probably be over in Personnel so fast her head would spin._

            So distracted was she that she bashed right into the door.

            Swearing colorfully, she slammed the door open so hard it bounced off the wall. This caused the young man working at the gadget-covered table to leap up in surprise. Meringue sauntered over to him, and wound himself around Makes-Things's legs. Makes-Things jumped back, nearly tripping. ''Get it out! It'll get fur over everything."

            Barely managing to remind herself that it wouldn't be a good idea to offend someone who could probably design a device that could potentially trap her out of her own reality, Polaris replied, ''We'll only be a minute. I need two new CAD's and a wand."

            ''I just gave you yours today!"

            ''The Sue we were dealing with shorted it out by corrupting every character she came across."

            Muttering under his breath in a language she couldn't identify, Makes-Things headed over to a large metal cabinet. He fairly threw two Analysis Devices at her, then grabbed a tape measurer. After taking the necessary measurements, he handed her a wand. Polaris was rather disappointed she didn't get to try more than one, but she comforted herself by levitating Meringue and dropping him on Makes-Things's head. After the hissing and yelling stopped, she shot Makes-Things (who was looking for bandages) a grin and sauntered out the door. Experimenting with her new wand, she set off towards the café. 

Stepping out of the elevator and into Upstairs, Aria reminded herself to be very clear and uncompromising with the Sunflower Official – usually the only way to deal with any of Headquarters' bosses. There was one rumor that a pair of assassins had gotten time off to visit the Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth, but that was probably only a rumor.

Reaching the end of the corridor – she had achieved this by walking straight into the wall – Aria cleared her throat and mentally shuffled through all the John Williams music she knew. Finally settling on the 'Jaws' theme song, Aria hummed it loudly. The wall hastily snapped and she found herself in the middle of the SO's office.

_Oh, it's you, the SO observed. __I might have known. What do you want this time?_

"I have a request," Aria started. "Actually, I have a demand."

_Pay raise? Time off? New partner? The SO somehow managed to sigh. __No, no, and no._

"I wouldn't mind time off or a pay raise, but what I'm actually here to tell you is that this mindless non-canon character killing has got to stop."

The SO jerked backwards. _Is this a resignation?_

"Gods, no," Aria said in surprise. "I'm perfectly willing to get rid of Mary Sues. All I'm saying is that some of their Cute Animal Friends really are cute, and the poor things deserve a second chance."

_I never say I like an agent, the SO commented, __but you're the first one who's had the decency to come up here and ask my permission to keep the annoyances._

"So we … can?" Aria hedged.

_Of course. We've got enough marginally intelligent creatures running around the place. Horses, birds …what have you got?_

"A cat," Aria said, beginning to feel much better. "They're intelligent."

_Quite so. Now go away, and if that crazy partner of yours talks you into an entire menagerie, don't come running to me._

"Right," Aria said cheerfully, and turned around, immediately finding herself again in front of the elevator. She stopped, the SO's parting words catching up with her. "Hang on …"

She really should go see the Director of Personnel. If she actually convinced the daisy that she and her partner were not compatible (probably to be achieved by listing their endless similarities), she could save herself a sadistic Polaris and a whole horde of Meringues.

On the other hand, fifty cats could prove useful, and Polaris really was good at killing things.

With a mental shrug, Aria stepped in the elevator and punched in the cafeteria floor. She'd get some chips and ice cream, go back to her office, and pray that another assignment wasn't thirty seconds away. Maybe she'd even share some of the ice cream with Polaris.

            Polaris was sitting at the bar, chin resting on her crossed arms, when Aria returned. She was relieved to see Polaris had apparently discarded her horribly clashing vest in their command center. Sitting on the stool beside Polaris was Meringue, legs folded underneath himself and eyes closed in a look of kitty bliss. Grinning, Aria sauntered over and plunked herself on the seat on Polaris's other side. Polaris looked up.

            ''Yes?"

            ''The SO said we can keep Meringue!" She didn't mention the comment about the menagerie. ''And so I got some ice cream to celebrate!"

            Polaris blinked as Aria presented her with a cone of raspberry ice cream. ''Thanks."

            Pleased to have got this much out of her, Aria continued. ''You'd probably better eat fast, 'cause the Fanfic Alert'll probably be blaring its wires off by the time we get back. You get what you needed?"

            Polaris pulled out a CAD and handed it to Aria, then pulled a wand out of her pocket. ''Thirteen inches long, dragon heartstring." Aria nodded approvingly, drawing out her own.

            ''Wonderful! And mine is willow and phoenix feather." Aria waved her wand around to demonstrate, sending several serving glasses flying. And smashing. Seeing the barkeep's glare, Aria snatched Polaris's arm and dashed out, with Meringue following behind.

            Panic is a very good way to unfocus your mind. They made it back to their Response Center rather quickly. Polaris jerked her arm away from Aria when they arrived, rubbing it and muttering under her breath. Then her mind caught up with her (more precisely, her ears), and she clapped her hands over her ears to block out the sounds of the Imperial March. Aria winced, and proceeded to whack her head against the screen. Scanning the text quickly, she pulled out her invisibility cloak.

            ''Okay, this one starts right on the train, so have these on when we go through. And we'll be in the compartment with the Sue, so try not to scream, m'kay?"

            Nodding sourly, Polaris snatched her cloak from her bag, as Aria set the disguises at default.

            They materialized in the train, and Aria whispered, ''Fifth year fic." Polaris nodded invisibly, then turned her attention to the trio in the compartment.

"Another year at Hogwarts!" grinned Ron

"Yeah, another year of Snape as a potions teacher." said Harry, unwrapping a chocolate frog.

''Comma? Oh, _comma," Aria whispered._

''Punctuation, check."

"Honestly, don't tell me you don't know! They couldn't get a new Defence Against Dark Arts teacher, so he's covering that lesson as well as potions." Hermione couldn't help but laugh at their shocked faces.

            ''Actually, I think she would be more horrified," Polaris muttered to Aria. ''And how did she know in the first place?"

            Aria didn't seem to hear her. Polaris looked in what she thought was her direction confusedly, until she heard Aria quietly fuming, ''_Snape as a DADA teacher? He wouldn't have __time to teach two classes! Idiot! Idiot!"_

            Polaris grinned.

            "So he's going to try and curse me as well as poison me. Great. Just great. And I suppose Malfoy will still be here. This time I'm ready though, if he says just one thing about my family then I'm just going to curse him"

            ''I'd bloody like to see you try," Polaris snarled. She felt a tug on her arm, and Aria drew her out of the compartment.

            ''The Sue's going to come in," she explained. ''It'll be easier to hear-- and hold our tempers-- from out here. Don't take your cloak off until after she comes in, though."

            ''I'm not a complete rookie," Polaris replied acidly, but did as she was told.

            They all jumped as the carriage door opened with a bang, and stared at the person standing there. Draco Malfoy leaned coolly against the glass door, smirking slightly. Crabbe and Goyle stood behind him, cracking their knuckles slightly.

"Still here then Potter? And I see you're still friends with Weasley and that mudblood. You're really scraping the barrel there, or is it just because no one else will be friends with you? I can't blame them, to be honest." He sneered nastily at them.

''At least this author got the insults right," Aria commented.

Harry and Ron both got to their feet suddenly at the same time with their wands out, but before they could something went whizzing past and smashed into Draco.  
            ''Cloaks off," Aria informed Polaris. ''That's the Sue."

''What's her name?" Polaris asked quietly. She was peering through the small crack in the door, staring at Draco.

''This one's name appears to be," Aria paused to check the Words, ''Drachati Wolfbane."

            Polaris blinked. Aria continued, ''She has a CLAF we're going to meet in a minute, we'll need to rescue him."

            ''CLAF?"

            ''Cute Little Animal Friend."

            "Oh.oh my god, I'm so sorry! Are you ok?" came a giggly voice.

            Polaris twitched, hands convulsively curling into fists. The Sue apologized to Draco and helped him up while he stared distractedly at her. Aria flipped the 'mute' button on her CAD and pointed it at Draco through the door.

            [Draco Malfoy. Human male. Canon. Out of Character 50.2%]

            Wincing slightly, Aria drew Polaris a bit farther away. ''She's wearing roller blades!" Polaris said. ''On a train!"

            After Drachati introduced herself, the others chorused:

            "I'm Ron Weasley"

"I'm Hermione Granger"

"And I'm Harry Potter"

Aria groaned.

Drachati nodded. "Oh, sorry! This is Pandemonium!"

They suddenly noticed a brown Pine Marten wrapped around her shoulder. It unwrapped itself sleepily, blinked, and turned into a mink. Drachati grinned at their surprised expressions.

"He's actually a Pine Marten, but he can change to a mink or an osprey."

Pandemonium turned itself into a sleek brown mink, and then into an osprey, a large, black bird, with a creamy colored stomach. He screeched, and stared at them with powerful yellow eyes, as though proving himself.

            Both the PPC agents started. Polaris let out a vicious sounding snarl, which the Sue heard but mistook for the now-Pine Martin Pandemonium. It was Aria, however, who began the tirade.

            ''Plagiarism! Definition: deliberately copying a copyrighted idea of another. In this case, the d³mons belonging to Phillip Pullman, from one of the best fantasy trilogies out there!"

            The dialog in the compartment was continuing while Aria ranted, and Polaris, though still angry, focused her attention on that. Draco had asked the Sue if she was pureblood, and she didn't appear to know what this meant. When he explained, she informed them her parents had been killed by Voldemort.

"So.you live with muggles?" he said, trying to make conversation.

"Yeah, they're not family though. They're my foster family, and I can't say I like them." She took out her wand and started playing around; turning her nails black, then green, and finally blue.

Pandemonium turned into a Pine Marten, and lay on her lap batting lazily at her wand.

            Though she wished the creature no real ill-will, Polaris muttered, ''And there was a tremendous explosion. Thus ended Drachati the Sue."

The Sue pulled out a bag of chips and ate them loudly while the others confided their family lives to her.

"What about you Draco?"

He clenched his fists furiously.

"I live with my mother. And my.father." His voice seemed rather hollow, and she blinked, deciding that maybe it was best to change the subject. She chatted for quite some time, before standing up shakily, clutching Draco's shoulder for support.

Polaris threw her cloak on, motioning for the still ranting Aria to do the same. Her hands gripped the fabric rather tightly as she wished curses on the Sue, who took off, commenting both Slytherin and Gryffindor sounded like 'cool' houses.

Aria audibly ground her teeth. Polaris sighed and glanced at the now inanimate characters, then poked around until she caught Aria's arm, motioning her to follow down the hallway.

Back in her compartment Drachati sat alone. The journey went quickly, too quickly. She was hoping in a vague, hopeless way that the train would never actually get to Hogwarts, and she could just go home. 

''How do you hope in a hopeless way?" Polaris wondered. Aria, who was just beginning to regain some sensibility, shrugged. Invisibly, of course.

Then she thought of what it was like at home, and decided that Hogwarts wouldn't be so bad. When the train arrived at the school it was already getting dark, which only seemed to add to her nerves. She weaved her way through the crowd of students, and winced as someone walked into her and made her drop her suitcase. 

''Wove," Aria corrected.

All her books and equipment fell out and she blushed in embarrassment, hastily trying to scoop the contents back in. A figure knelt beside her and helped her stuff the rest in, and she looked up in surprise. She blinked when she saw it was Draco, and started to thank him, but he didn't seem to notice, and pushed his way through the crowd. 

"Drachati Wolfbane?" a crisp voice sounded in her ear, making her jump. "Uh.yes?" She turned to look at the voice, and found herself face to face with a teacher. "I'm Professor Mcgonagall, You're to go straight to Professor Dumbledore to be sorted" Drachati looked blank. "Quickly now, keep going straight ahead, into the castle grounds, when you see the main building take a left, and then." Drachati tried to remember all the information, and prayed she wouldn't get lost on her first day. "Oh, and the password is sherbet lemon, alright dear?" Then she was gone, leaving Drachati to struggle through the crowds to Professor Dumbledore's office... Miraculously, she found her way there, but it took a long time as she kept getting distracted. She spoke with several ghosts and had a bemusing conversation with a portrait of a knight before she finally found the doorway.

''Wasn't sherbet lemon the password during _first year?" Polaris asked curiously._

Aria didn't answer, too busy holding her head and moaning over the headache the compressed paragraph had given her.

Uncertainly she stood in front of it, thinking of knocking. Then she remembered Professor Mcgonnegals words, and clearing her throat in an embarrassed fashion whispered the password. 

''It's McGonagall, by the way," Polaris volunteered in a voice barely above a whisper.

Nothing happened. "Sherbet Lemon" she said, a little louder, and the doorway swung ominously open, revealing a set of stone steps behind. Taking a deep breath she started to climb them, wishing that her shoes didn't echo quite so loudly on the bare stone. She knocked timidly on the wooden door at the top. "Come in" She walked into the huge room, and her eyes quickly took everything in. "Wow" she breathed, staring at the mysterious collection of items. 

The two PPC agents were also studying Dumbledore's collection. Polaris poked her head into a nearby cabinet, while Aria fed Fawkes bits of sweets from her pocket.

Then she remembered why she was here, and turned to Professor Dumbledore. "Sorry" she stammered, and clutched Pandemonium anxiously. "Oh, its quite alright." 

''It _is quite alright, which it isn't actually," Aria volunteered._

"Lets see, Drachati Wolfbane eh? Well, sit down on that seat and lets see which house you'll go in." He smiled, stroking his long grey beard. 

Polaris noted the smile seemed rather strained. She cheered mentally, pointing her CAD at Dumbledore. [Albus Dumbledore. Canon. Out of character 20%] Polaris raised her eyebrows, grinning. 

Drachati stared at the ragged hat, which sat on the chair, and approached it rather nervously. "That's it, sit down there, and put on the hat." She did so, Pandemonium sitting on her lap as a Pine Marten, and the world suddenly became black as the hat fell past her eyes. A little voice sounded in her ear, and she strained to hear what it was saying. "Hmmmm.. lets have a look. Well, you have good brains, a sense of what's right and wrong.I think Slytherin would be just right for you!" 

''How does that work?" Aria whispered, standing behind Fawkes. Polaris favored her with a glare.

"Oh god no, not Slytherin!" she thought desperately. "My new friends are in Griffindor, and they told me that only dark wizards go to Slytherin, and it's got such a bad reputation." She was getting rather panicky when the voice came again. "Alright, calm down, there's no point going to a house where you won't like it, but I really feel that Slytherin would be right for you. Especially with that unusual gift of yours.." Drachati fell silent, and began to wish she were somewhere else. "Oh well, let's put you in.GRIFFINDOR" 

''It's _Gryffindor," Aria snapped, drowned out by the hat._

She heard the hat yell out her house, and grinned happily, lifting off the hat. Dumbledore nodded. "Ahh.I hope you do well there Drachati" She grinned, and her eyes wandered over to the far corner of the room to a large birdcage. She breathed in suddenly when she saw what was there. "Ahh.that's Fawkes, my phoenix" 

''Paragraphs," Polaris whimpered, covering her ears.

She blinked a couple of times. "Can I.?" Dumbledore nodded and smiled, so she walked over to the cage, and stared at the bird inside. "He's so CUTE!" she said, and stroked the bird through the bars. He seemed to like it, and half closed his eyes. Suddenly she stood up, making Pandemonium nearly fall off her shoulder. "Oh, I was meant to go to the feast.." She exclaimed. "It hasn't started yet, just pop down to the main hall and find the Griffindor table." She grinned, and made her way back down the staircase, before suddenly rushing back up. "Whoops, erm.. forgot my bag.. sir.. Professor Dumbledore sir.." She giggled and grabbed her bag, before bouncing merrily down the stone steps and into the great hall. "Drachati! Over here!" shouted Ron from the Griffindor table. Drachati stopped staring at the ceiling, and jogged over to the table. "Great, you got into Griffindor!" said Harry, moving up to make room for her. "Yeah I know!" she laughed. "Well look. This is Seamus Finnigan" Seamus waved to her and smiled across the table. "And these are the famous Weasley brothers.Fred and George" It wasn't long before Drachati had a whole table full of friends, and as she tucked into her heaving plate of food she felt truly happy for the first time in a long while.

Polaris and Aria found a corner and slipped off their cloaks, there being enough students now that their disguises allowed them to pass unnoticed in the crowded hall.

Drachati had settled into Hogwarts well. She was a good student; and worked hard, although some teachers had found that she was easily distracted.

It was a cool autumn morning and she woke early.

Pandemonium was an Osprey, and settled on her shoulder as she walked down the hallway.

"Hi Harr." she started as she saw him in the hallway, but stopped when it became apparent something was wrong.

He was facing Malfoy, with an uncharacteristic cruel smile on his face. Draco was smirking, and leaning coolly against the wall, with a group of Slytherins'.

Ron and Hermione were behind Harry, both looking defensive.

''Wonderful," Aria muttered. ''From not enough paragraphs to way too many."

''And it should by simply _Slytherins," Polaris added. ''No possessiveness there."_

Aria thought to herself that Polaris probably wouldn't mind 'possessing' one of that group. She was staring at Draco with a slightly unfocused look.

"I don't see what the problem is Potter. I'm just hanging around here," sneered Draco.

"Oh come off it Malfoy, doing what? I suppose you've been sent here to spy on us. How pathetic."

Draco narrowed his eyes.

"Why on EARTH would I want to spy on Griffindor? It's a pretty rubbish house anyway. Couldn't even beat Hufflepuff at a game of Quidditch!" He drawled, and leered at Harry, as the other Slytherins laughed.

"Keep your stupid face shut Malfoy, and get away from our common room.

Draco smirked again. "Make me" he spat.

Harry grabbed his wand.

"That's it Malfoy. Here's a little trick I learned from Mad Eye Moody."

Drachati gasped as a white flash lit up the hallway, followed by a bang.

Ron and Hermione doubled over with laughter as Harry stood over a cowering white ferret that was in the place that Draco had been.

Polaris looked confounded by this, which swiftly turned to irritation. Aria barely managed to catch her arm as she lunged out at Harry. ''It's the Sue that's doing this, not him!" Aria whispered quickly. ''He wouldn't do that and you know it."

Polaris subsided, fuming, as the Sue returned Draco to his original form. She didn't even look slightly amused when Drachati forced Harry to start dancing, or when he began a cheerful Irish jig behind Professor McGonagall's back, who then cancelled the hex.

''The spell for that would be _Finite Incantatem," Aria commented, ''Not __Reparo."_

The agents felt slightly vindicated the next morning as the Sue became the butt of all the jokes at the Gryffindor table. She was so injured by this she left early, and the agents had to follow her, Polaris casting one longing look back at Draco.

She sat down at her desk, and angrily brushed the tears away from her face. Pandemonium turned into a soft Mink, and curled up in her arms, trying to make her feel better.

A movement in the room made her look up, and she saw Professor Snape in the far corner, marking books. She stood up so suddenly that all her books fell to the floor, and Pandemonium had to make a wild leap for her shoulder.

"S..sorry Professor Snape," she stammered, knowing for sure she would get a detention.

He always picked on Harry and the other Griffindors in Potions, and she had no doubt it would be the same here. Then she thought harder.

"You're the Defence of the Dark Arts teacher?" she blurted out.

Snape looked up from his books.

"I am indeed, I suggest you pick up your books, otherwise I will have to take even more points from Griffindor"

Drachati couldn't help but ask. "More?"

"You have already lost them 20 points for coming into this classroom without knocking. I have no doubt your friend Harry will succeed in losing more."

Drachati shifted her feet. "Yeah..well..we aren't really friends any more.."

Snape narrowed his eyes, and looked like he was going to say more, but her didn't. Instead he stood up, and walked towards the door. "You can stay here till the others arrive if you wish, I have a staff meeting to attend to."

The agents were sitting behind a statue outside, listening. ''Now?" Polaris asked Aria, almost pleading.

Aria, however, shook her head. ''Wait for the duel."

Polaris looked perplexed. Her partner sighed in irritation. ''Read the Words." Polaris did so, her eyes going unfocused. Then she blinked and nodded in resignation.

''I'll grab Pandemonium-- and we're going to have to rename him."

Aria looked disgusted. ''Couldn't she think of anything more original?"

Polaris shrugged, looking with distaste in the direction of the classroom. ''Probably thought she was being terribly creative. They usually do. How about Quiche?"

''_What?"_

''For a name. How about Quiche?"

Looking baffled, Aria couldn't do anything but stare. ''A bit fixated on foods, aren't you?"

Polaris grinned, pulling out a pack of cards. ''Poker?"

''Fine."

They put their cards away when the students began to arrive, and joined the group of Slytherins who filed in first. Aria noticed only then that Polaris's student badge had the Slytherin symbol on it. Her own was set to Ravenclaw, that house being, she felt, rather more inconspicuous than Gryffindor. That group filed in quickly, giving Drachati glares and staying as far away as possible.

Professor Snape swept in, gazing coldly at all the Griffindors, his icy gaze taking in Drachati's tear stained face and Harry's satisfied smile.

"Today we are going to learn blocking, a simple spell, which I doubt any of you will manage to master. However, we shall see. Wave your wands like so, and say 'Blocktiria"

He sneered as most of the class failed, and made them do it again.. and again...and again..continually praising the Slytherins, and taking points from Griffindor.

'' 'Blocktiria?' " Aria muttered in a pained voice as the agents feigned attempting the spell (in case the Sue happened to look their way).

Drachati grinned triumphantly at Pandemonium when she finally produced what looked like a thin silver wall.

"Good Wolfbane" said Snape, and Drachati blinked, wondering if Snape was really as bad as Harry made out.

''Yes. He is," Aria snapped. ''Thou shalt not go against canon by making him nice."

Polaris rolled her eyes.

That used up most of the lesson, but in the last 10 minutes he called them to a stop. "Now" he said, smiling darkly. "Slytherin, each choose one member to represent you, Griffindor you do the same. Lets see how much you have really learned.." Each house huddled together, and Drachati stood uncertainly away from Griffindor, who were making it clear that she wasn't allowed into the discussion.

Slytherin hadn't been friendly to them at all, and most of them were clutching various injured limbs, or trying to uncurse each other. Pansy motioned frantically for Drachati to join the Slytherin discussion, and she grinned and walked over. Snape raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

"Drachati, how do you feel about fighting Griffindor?" said Draco, knowing full well that Drachati was a good dueller. Pandemonium looked anxiously at her.

Drachati grinned. "Alright. Lets hope I get to fight Ron or someone, eh?!"

Draco smiled, and the rest of Slytherin, who had heard of Drachati's skill, smiled, and clapped her on the back.

''_What dueling skill?" Polaris demanded._

''Hang on. Just a second now…" Aria cautioned, motioning to the glaring Gryffindors, who sent Harry out to represent them.

''Right," Polaris said triumphantly, as soon as both students were out. ''_Accio!"_

Harry and Drachati both looked startled as their wands flew out of their hands and into Polaris's. The Slytherins and Gryffindors stared in consternation as a pair of students stepped out from the Slytherin side. Polaris turned to face Drachati, her face contorted into a sneer of contempt.

''Drachati Wolfbane, you are charged with actually _giving Snape the Defense Against the Dark Arts job, misspelling McGonagall's name, also seriously messing with the characterization of Draco Malfoy," she sounded a lot more angry on that sentence, ''having an animal friend annoyingly reminiscent of Philip Pullman's d³mons, also messing with the personality of Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Snape, horrible compression of paragraphs and lack of commas, and confusing the Sorting Hat so much the poor thing can't decide if you're a Slytherin or Gryffindor-- and Gryffindor is spelled with a Y, not an I."_

''And also for making Harry into a sadistic prick, which he is not," Aria added for good measure.

Polaris reached out and pulled Pandemonium away from Drachati, handing him off in Pine Martin form to Aria. Then she pulled out her wand, aimed it at the Sue, and said simply, ''_Avada Kedavra."_

There was little time for anyone in the classroom to react, as Aria snapped open the portal and jumped through, Polaris following with Drachati's body.

''Always wanted to see Loch Ness," Polaris commented cheerfully, watching and stroking Pandemonium-- now Quiche, apparently-- as the Kelpie who lived in the lake eagerly devoured what was formerly Drachati Wolfbane.

There was no reply from Aria, who was some distance off and busy being ill.


	4. Gryffindor Past

Protectors of the Plot Continuum

Mary Sue Division

From the Files of Polaris and Aria

Polaris was having fun with Quiche the pine marten. He seemed to like potato chips, which was fortunate, because Aria had a lot of those in her office. Or rather, had. Quiche had eaten most of them, and Polaris's partner was currently at the cafeteria, restocking on chips.

Polaris idly wondered why they hadn't been called on assignment again yet. It was actually a little lonely without the John Williams music.

The office door slammed abruptly open, and the scream that accompanied it more than made up for the previous lack of noise. "WE'RE DOOMED!" seemed to be the general gist of the shriek.

After feeding Quiche the last chip, Polaris turned towards the door and her irate partner. "Why are we doomed?" she asked curiously.

Aria collapsed on top of Polaris, shaking. "The fifth book," she whispered dramatically. "_Order of the Phoenix_. It is coming. It is coming in June. It is foretold. We are DOOMED!"

Wondering if perhaps Aria had been watching too much Invader Zim, Polaris shoved her partner into a convenient beanbag. "Why is this a problem?"

Aria blinked. "I cannot tell you how weird it is to be hysterical and have _you_ asking the calm, rational questions."

Thinking she had a point, Polaris jumped up. "Why," she yelled, "is this a problem? I thought we _wanted_ new canon to keep the authors from wreaking havoc!"

"Thank you," said Aria, seemingly addressing her fluffy slippers. "I needed you to do that." She stood up again, perfectly calm, and explained briskly, "Having _Phoenix_ means that, yes, the authors will hold off for a little while. They will read. And read again. Then they will analyze and over-analyze. If a prediction of theirs turned out wrong, they will write fanfic to vent. Alternate-universe fics. And you realize that if, say, Harry and Cho ended up dating, and someone was absolutely set on Harry loving Lavender Brown, it would send both Lavender and especially Harry far out of character. Far worse, to make things more plausible, we will have even more Mary Sues, armed with even more contrived plot devices." 

She stopped and took a deep breath. "Oh," she added as an afterthought, "and I really, really don't want Remus to die."

"_What_?"

What, exactly, Polaris didn't immediately find out, because at that moment the console suddenly began blasting what sounded like boy band music out of the seventies. "Uh oh," Aria murmured, rushing over to it and not bothering to bang her head. 

"What?" said Polaris again, joining her at the console. _Gryffindor Past_, it read. "Gryffindor past, when?" she asked.

"Marauders," said Aria in a very strangled voice. "A Sue that's after Remus."

Polaris wasn't entirely sure what to make of the strange gleam in her partner's eye, so she stepped through the portal, followed by Aria. They emerged in what appeared to be the Hogwarts library, both of them again in their Potter continuum disguise as redhead Ravenclaw eleven-year-olds.

Dumbledore's voice suddenly reached them, in the middle of a sentence. "...and this is the library. You can look for any book for research or just to read in all the areas except for the restricted area over there. The only time you can take a book from there is if you get permission from the librarian, Madam Pince by the desk over there," Dumbledore said as he walked into the library with a girl Remus had never seem at Hogwarts before.

"Seem?" Polaris muttered.

"Grammar!" Aria moaned, and headed in the general direction of the 'Remus had never seem' thought. Polaris followed her, and found Aria almost drooling over a seventeen-year-old Remus Lupin with rather bleached-looking hair. Remus was looking pensively past Aria, so both agents turned to see what had grabbed his attention.

She had a Hogwarts robe on so she must be a student as he is. She had brown hair with a tint of blonde in it like his except more blonde. She had blue eyes that contrasted with his bronze pair. Her eyes, a deep sapphire blue that looked filled with curiosity and a little confusion as she looked at all the books and listening to Dumbledore explain about the library and it's history. Her skin, a little pale as his did after his transformation last full moon, which was last Friday. He was captivated. Just then, Professor Dumbledore looked over at Remus. The agents ducked behind a bookshelf before the Sue saw them.

"They make _Remus_ sound like a Sue," Polaris muttered disgustedly.

To her surprise, Aria glared at her. "He does look like that, so don't go comparing him to Sues!" She considered for a moment. "Although I don't recall his hair being that blonde …"

"Ah, Mr. Lupin. Come here and visit a new student of yours," Dumbledore said.

"Wait for it," Polaris whispered from behind the cover of the bookshelf. "She's going to be his _student_? I thought _he_ was a student!" Aria frowned over this for a moment, then shrugged.

Remus got up from the table and walked over. "Rayna, this is Remus Lupin. He is a seventh year just as you will be."

"Oh, I'm so confused," Polaris moaned. "Is that Remus or Dumbledore talking?"

Aria shrugged again, then winced as Dumbledore introduced the Sue as Miss Faol, and a booming author's voice informed them that it was 'pernounced Fay-ohl'.

Dumbledore continued his introduction. "…has come from a long line of strong witches and wizards and she will be in Gryffindor. Mr. Lupin, would you mind showing Miss. Faol around Hogwarts? I have some important business to take care of," Dembledore asked, a slight twinkle in his eyes.

"Yes, Professor. I would be happy to," Remus replied, smiling at Rayna, who smiled back, blushing a little.

Aria made a sudden movement, and Polaris barely realized in time that her partner was likely to jump out and try to strangle the Sue. She hurriedly grabbed Aria's robes and yanked. Aria fell to the floor with a thump. From that dignified position, she adjusted her glasses and glared at Polaris.

"Thank you very much, Mr. Lupin. If you will excuse me," Dumbledore said as he walked away down a hall that leads to who knows where.

"I know where," Polaris volunteered. "That hall leads to the Transfiguration room."

"So," Remus was saying, "what have you seen so far? I can give you a grand tour of everything you haven't seen, but that would take us days." He began to pack up his books. "So I will just show you the things that I think you need to know and then I can show you everything else later on," Rayna couldn't help but giggle. He has a very cute sense of humor She thought to herself.

"Who's speaking?" Polaris said again.

"Hands off," Aria muttered, standing back up. "His sense of humor is none of your business, Mary sweetie."

"All right then, off to the Quidditch field." Remus smiled some more.

"Is Quidditch important here at Hogwarts?" Rayna asked.

"Of course! This year Gryffindor has to win the Quidditch Cup. I think they are practicing now. The Quidditch Cup is very important. For years Slytherin has won it but this year, it is going to be different..." Remus went on as they walked down the hall and out to the quiddtich field.

Polaris and Aria stayed in the now vague library. "So," Polaris said, "is it a tradition for Slytherin to win the Cup for years at a time?" She grinned. "I _like_ that tradition."

"And that Sue," Aria added, "is very, very dead." She frowned. "Got any charges?"

"Making her an exchange student and blatantly Sue-ish when she could have been a Hogwarts student all along?" Polaris suggested hopefully.

Aria sighed. "No. Never mind that, it was just her introduction. She's bad enough we'll be getting lots of dirt on her later." She looked mournfully at her CAD. "Thing didn't even beep when Remus offered to show her around. I wish the Sues wouldn't target the ones that are too nice for their own good."

The agents paused for a moment, reflecting on this. Then Polaris asked, "What was that about not wanting Lupin there to die?"

"Oh," Aria shrugged. "Rowling's said an important character is going to die in _Order of the Phoenix_. I don't want it to be Remus. And now," she said more briskly, squinting at her CAD, "we are not going to worry about Remus-deaths, but Rayna-deaths."

"Got it," Polaris said, reflecting that it was a rather pleasant change to have an enthusiastic partner.

Remus, in yet another fit of Mary Sue-ism, had shown Reyna the Quidditch field, the secret way to get to the kitchen through the picture of fruit, and other very important things at Hogwarts, all in the space of a few minutes, so the agents ran up to the Gryffindor common room in time to see Remus introduce Reyna to the other Marauders.

They came upon Remus just as the entered the common room. Remus was saying, "...and this is the Gryffindor common room. My friends and I usually linger here after classes and do our homework together or talk or play chess or something. It really depends on our mood."

Aria pulled out her CAD. It read "Remus Lupin. Werewolf male. 23% OOC". She sighed. So close, and yet so far …

The Sue was looking around the common room nervously. Gryffindors scattered around the common room looked back at her and began to whisper the normal 'who's that girl?' stuff that always happens when there is a new girl around. Remus continued, "Up the staircase here are the dormitories. My friends are probably in the boys dormitory. The girls don't usually like us in there for, umm.... reasons... Come on."

Polaris raised her eyebrows. " 'Reasons'? Exactly what does that imply?"

Aria sighed in frustration. "No idea. But I'm having trouble pinning anything on this Sue. Remus is too good at staying in character."

"Is there anything I should be warned of before-hand before I meet them?" Rayna asked with a playful smile. Remus couldn't help but laugh.

"All right," Aria conceded, squinting at her CAD with a bit of satisfaction. "Maybe he _isn't_ so good at staying in character."

Remus was now replying to the Sue. "Well, James and Lily could be snogging. They do that A LOT or maybe Sirius and James could be planning a new prank on the Slytherins but Sirius could also be waxing his Quidditch broom. He does that a lot. If you couldn't tell, he LOVES Quidditch. He and James are on the Quidditch team. James is a chaser and Sirius is a beater. Peter is really shy and quiet. He is also very timid, and worries about almost everything. Even though they are a little crazy, I think you will like them."

"Anything there?" Polaris whispered. "I caught a bit of run-on sentence and a lack of canon evidence that Sirius was on the Quidditch team."

"And very shrewd observations of Peter," Aria added. "I'd think they would have thought a bit higher of him."

Polaris grinned. "Check, check. See, we're getting stuff on this Sue." It took her a minute to realize that she was actually being a bit encouraging, but she shrugged it off and turned back to the scene before her.

Remus and the Sue had just entered. Indeed, his friends were in there. James and Lily weren't snogging, to Remus' surprise, but Lily was actually helping James and Sirius with a prank on the Slytherins. Peter looked up at the door when it opened in surprise. The agents jumped out of the door's way. It never does anyone any good to get in the way of a surprised door.

"Oy, Moony! Lily gave us a wonderful idea of a prank. You have to hear it!" Sirius exclaimed as he jumped up and ran over to Remus to continue his rambling.

"Whose rambling is continuing?" Polaris wanted to know. Aria shrugged.

"Why did he call you Moony, Remus?" Rayna asked while Sirius went on. Remus went pale. (Aria gave a slightly sadistic and extremely triumphant giggle as her CAD beeped in an annoyed fashion. Remus was now officially 58% CHARACTER RUPTURE.) Before Remus could think of an excuse Sirius butted into a new conversation.

"Who's the girl, Remus?" Sirius asked as Lily and James came over.

"This is Rayna Faol. She is a new student here and is also in Gryffindor with us. Dumbledore told me to give her a tour of Hogwarts." Wow, she is really pretty. Peter thought, not taking his eyes off her.

"Unclean!" Polaris squealed. "I just heard _Peter Pettigrew's_ thoughts! Unclean!"

"I mourn the paragraphs," Aria added. "And for the record, Peter doesn't actually give a damn about Rayna. It's her stupid Mary Sue charm."

"Um," said Polaris, who was a bit too busy feeling unclean to really notice what her partner was saying.

"Hi, I'm Lily Evans. I wondered why an empty bed popped up in the girl's dorm today. Anyway, You'll love it here. WELCOME!"

Aria gave her partner a sidelong look. "Has Lily been stealing some of those high sugar-content candy bars you keep in your pockets?"

"No," Polaris said, annoyed.

"I'm James Potter. Nice to meet you."

"Umm, I'm P-Peter Pettigrew. Hi—"

"Way to impress the girls, Peter," Polaris whispered.

"And I am Sirius Black, spelled S-I-R-I-U-S not S-E-R—"

"Oh dear gods," Polaris moaned. "Aria, do me a favor and kill me?"

"Gawdawful Sirius-serious jokes, check," Aria reminded her partner.

"Okay, Sirius, she gets the idea," Lily said, rolling her eyes. Rayna giggled. She thought they were a fun lot to be with. Lily then grabbed Raynas arm and pulled her towards the door. "C'mon. I'll show you the girls dorm and meet some of my girlfriends. See ya later guys!" Lily told Rayna as the walked out of the room. 

"Bye. It was a pleasure to meet all of you. See you later, Remus!" Rayna said as Lily was dragging her. For some reason, Remus couldn't stop smiling. 

"Stop smiling!" Aria hissed at him. He paid no attention.

Peter felt a tang of jealousy when she said Remus' name, and no one else's.

"A tang of jealousy," Polaris observed. "Sort of citrus-y, isn't it?"

"Well, she seems like a nice girl," James said, siting on his bed. Aria wondered vaguely how one managed to site on a bed.

"Yeah, but a bit sickly looking, if you ask me. What do you think, Moony?" Sirius added.

"What? Uh... I thought she looked all right," Remus said. James and Sirius looked at each other. The look was of curiosity. Could Remus be falling for someone? James thought, but quickly pushed it out of his mind as Sirius began to talk about the next Gryffindor Quidditch match. 

Polaris took the opportunity to again bemoan the fact that she was hearing people's thoughts, though hearing James didn't seem to upset her as much as hearing Peter. Aria took the opportunity to grin at her CAD, which was telling her Remus was well on his way to characterization hell. Actually, Aria took the opportunity to imagine plunging the sword of Godric Gryffindor through Rayna Faol's sorry little chest, but that's beside the point.

The point is that the agents suddenly underwent a spatial jump and ended up in the Gryffindor girls' dorm in order to hear a conversation between Lily and the Sue.

"This is your bed. I sleep here, and Ashley sleeps here. I'll help you unpack," Lily said as she helped Rayna take some of her stuff out of her trunk. 

"Ashley?" Polaris hissed. "Bit character?"

Aria squinted at the Words. "Sirius' girlfriend. Never turns up again. We don't have to worry about her."

Lily was busy quizzing Rayna. "So what do you think of the boys. I know you haven't really met them yet or have seen them in action but tell me anyway."

"Well," Rayna began, "I think James seems very nice. Sirius seems, well, a little odd and funny. Peter seems, well, a little too scared of everything. And Remus seems very intelligent, funny, kind, and caring."

"Making Peter's weaknesses obviously to people who have only just met him, check," Aria muttered.

"Your right. They are all that way, especially Peter, he is scared of many things. James is nice, cute, a great kisser... but you don't want me to go on," Lily said with a wink. Rayna smiled.

"So are you going out with James?" Rayna asked as she folded some of her clothes.

"Yup! We've been going out for about a year and 3 months now." 

("Is it legal to use actual numbers when speaking?" Aria wanted to know. Polaris shrugged.)

Lily went on, "Don't tell me you like him. All of the girls in Gryffindor like him so please don't add into the crowd."

Rayna laughed. "Don't worry. Though he does seem to be a good boyfriend, he doesn't seem to be my type."

"YES! Finally someone turns him down. He will be shocked," Lily grinned.

Rayna smiled to herself. I think I am going to like it here.

"And I think you'll be dead before you have the chance," Polaris offered sweetly.

Polaris and Aria, in their black and plaid sleeping bags respectively, camped out in the Gryffindor common room that night. Polaris took the time to complain that sleeping in Gryffindor Tower was offensive because she was a Slytherin, to which Aria replied that it wasn't that nice for her either, as she was a Ravenclaw. Polaris thought this settled nothing in particular, but afterwards decided to drop the argument and read the Words with Aria.

The Words told them that a week and few days went by and everything was going wonderfully for Rayna. She made new friends and caught up with the classes so fast that she was already one of the top of her class, besides Remus, of course. This disgusted Polaris and delighted Aria, who saw immediate incredible intelligence to be one of the very worst Sue characteristics.

After a round of chips, which Aria still happened to have in her robe pocket, the two agents went up to the seventh year girls' dorm to observe Rayna and Lily, sitting on their beds and having a normal girl talk before bed time. 

"Okay, you've been around the boys for a while. Who do you think is the cutest out of the four wonderful gentlemen?" Lily asked. Rayna blushed a little at the question.

"Remus," she answered before blushing even more.

"You like him, don't you!?" Lily asked with much enthusiasm. For once, Remus had an admirer. She couldn't believe it.

"Hey!" Aria growled. For the second time in as many days, Polaris found herself restraining her partner from murdering someone over Remus' honor. Aria only stopped struggling after Polaris pointed out that it was Lily, under Sue-influence, that Aria was attempting to maim.

"Maybe," Rayna simple stated though by her composure you could tell she meant yes.

"This is great! If you want me too, I can find out if he likes you. He doesn't have girls swarming over him like Sirius and James does. I don't know why, I mean, I think he is very cute and—"

"He's wonderful! He's intelligent, cute, funny, sweet, caring, gentle... everything that is perfect!" Rayna exclaimed. 

Polaris noticed Aria nodding in agreement with Rayna's list of virtues, and elbowed her partner. Hard.

Rayna had wanted to tell someone how she felt about him so long and finally got the chance. They talked about Remus for a while which made Rayna think they were having a great conversation when Lily popped the question. 

Polaris snickered. " 'Will you marry me, dearest Lily?' "

Now it was Aria's turn to elbow her partner. "We don't MST. We assassinate."

"I know," Polaris giggled, "but why not have fun doing it?" And for once Aria had no answer.

Meanwhile, the Words were assuring the agents that the question Lily had popped was not the question you would think of, but the question of:

"Okay, Okay. Enough of your love life. What is your most private secret?" Lily asked. Rayna froze. I can't tell her, I can't. If I do, she won't be my friend. I can't.

"Umm... I don't have any secrets. You know everything about me you need to know," Rayna said, a little shaky.

"O come on! Please? I promise I won't tell. I won't tell a soul! Please, please, please???" Lily begged. 

A CAD inspection of Lily confirmed that she was having serious character rupture – which was quite a feat, considering that she was one of the least-developed canon characters. The agents were duly impressed.

Rayna wanted to tell her but was afraid too. What if she hated me afterward? She is the best friend I have ever made here. I don't want to have to go to another school. Lily continued to beg for about 3 more minutes. Aria ate some chips to pass the time, and Polaris fiddled with the CAD, wanting to see if it could be taken apart. That way, she could go back to Makes-Things. He was fun to annoy.

Lily's begging finally ceased, and Rayna, thinking I can't believe I'm doing this. said, "All right. I'll tell you, but you have to promise not to tell ANYONE. I mean NO ONE okay?" Rayna said. "I promised, didn't I? To my grave, this will stay. Now tell me!" Lily yelled.

"Paragraphs," Polaris whispered. "Oh yes, precious, check."

"Okay. Umm... I'm, um... I'm a...." Rayna stuttered.

"Come on Rayna! It can't be that bad!" Lily said. "Out with it! I promised I wouldn't tell."

And exactly what Rayna was came to both agents at the same time in a flash of lightening horror.

"I'm a werewolf," the Sue said. 

This revelation caused Polaris to bang her head repeatedly on a convenient bedpost. It caused Aria to crack a slightly insane grin.

Lily was shocked. Rayna, a werewolf!?

"Really? Your not kidding?" Rayna shook her head no.

(''_You're" _not kidding, unfortunately," Polaris murmured.)

"PLEASE don't tell anyone! Don't tell James, or Sirius, or especially Remus. Don't even tell yourself. Please?" Rayna begged.

"Don't worry. I promised didn't I? I won't tell anyone," Lily assured her. 

Then the plot took the opportunity to take the agents on another spatial jump, this one to the boys' dorm. Aria made a funny little noise, and then whispered, "Motion sickness. Why is it always motion sickness?" 

Polaris decided it was rather prudent to get a bit of distance between herself and her partner, so she edged across the room, ending up standing near Peter, who was searching for his Potions book, that seemed to have disappeared.

Remus couldn't help but think of her. He sighed as his thoughts continued only of her. Because of this, Aria amassed enough righteous indignation to regain control of her stomach. Polaris decided that she'd rather be near Aria than Peter.

"Hey, Moony? Hello? You in there?" James said as he waved his hand in front of Remus' face.

"What? Oh, uh, yeah sorry," Remus said, a little flustered.

Polaris and Aria's CADs both took that moment to blow up.

"Geeze, what were you thinking 'bout? You were totally in another world," Sirius asked as he worked on his Potions assignment.

"Um... nothing, Padfoot. I was just thinking about Potions class. That's all," Remus answered. James looked at him and smiled.

"I think I have an idea about what you were thinking about, Moony," he stated. Remus quickly looked up at him.

"Fine, what was I thinking about, James?"

"Rayna," James simply stated again. Remus couldn't believe it. How did he know? "Am I right?" James asked. There was a long pause of silence.

"Is it that obvious?" Remus asked, a silly grin on his face. (The exploded CADs began smoking in protest.) James and Sirius laughed. "Do you think she knows?"

"I doubt it, Moony ol' pal. Don't worry. Your secrets safe with us just as the other one is," Sirius said, putting an arm around Remus.

"Oh, now aren't those comforting words?" Remus said before dodging a light blow from Sirius. All three of them laughed as they walked up to their dorms.

"Hang on," Polaris muttered. "Weren't they _in_ the dorm in the first place?" Aria didn't answer, because abrupt changes of scenery apparently made her lose her lunch. "You'd be awful at Apperating," Polaris told her, though she vaguely wondered if perhaps Aria's queasiness had more to do with the fact that the Words were praising Remus and insulting Peter. It made her a little queasy too.

"Okay," Aria said. "We're going to take another jump, but this time we'll be using the portal. Wonderful thing. Anyway, what you need to know before we go is –" She squinted at the Words. "We'll be going to a full moon, and Lily doesn't tell Rayna a single damn thing about Remus also being a werewolf." She grinned. "Good for her." She readied the portal, which opened out onto the Gryffindor common room at night. Pulling on her Invisibility Cloak, she gestured to Polaris. "After you."

The two agents stepped through to find Remus sitting alone in the common room late at night. Right on cue, Dumbledore walked in.

"Ready to go?" Dumbledore said in a low voice. Even though he looked at Remus sadly, wishing he didn't have to go through another transformation, he smiled to himself. He has a surprise in store for him that I think he will rather enjoy. 

Polaris and Aria looked at each other. "You know," Polaris said, "hearing Dumbledore's thoughts is one of the weirdest things that's ever happened to me." Aria nodded agreement, and they followed Remus and Dumbledore out of the room and in the direction of the Whomping Willow.

Soon they arrived, inexplicably, at the door of the Shrieking Shack, which was _not_ boarded up. Dumbledore opened the Shack's door, and Remus' mouth dropped open.   
Standing before him was Rayna in the middle of the room. Both Rayna's and Remus' eyes widened as Dumbledore, again, smiled to himself.

"Hey," Aria whispered, "is it just me, or is it a bad idea to have two werewolves in the same room?"

"Maybe he'll rip her to pieces," Polaris suggested hopefully.

"What are you doing here?" Remus and the Sue asked in unison. Then, they both gasped.

"You are a werewolf, too?!" Rayna asked, still standing there. Remus, looked at the ground for a moment before replying.

"Yes. And you are as well?" He asked. Rayna nodded, still amazed at what had just happened.

"Well, I should leave before the full moon comes around. I hope being together will help you tonight." Dumbledore said before leaving the Shrieking Shack. After he left, there was a short pause of silence.

Polaris broke it. "Say, why didn't we leave with Dumbledore?"

"We need more dirt on the Sue."

Polaris shrugged and didn't mentioned the getting-ripped-to-shreds part.

"It is almost dark. We should be prepared," Remus said, walking around the small shack, locking the door and windows, both upstairs and down. ("Continuity, check," Polaris told Aria.)

"What do you do during your transformations here if you can't go outside or anything?" Rayna asked. She was used to her house and yard for transformations that went on as far as the eye could see. She could run around, explore, and sniff anything in the area.

"Oh yeah," Polaris grinned, "She sure had smart parents."

"Well, I usually just sit here and wait until James and Sirius come."

"James and Sirius are werewolves, too?!" Rayna asked. Wow! Just how many werewolves are there in this school? (Both agents snorted with laughter at this.)

"No, they are Animagi (Is that the plural form of Animagus?), though I probably shouldn't have told you that," Remus said, giving her a tired grin. 

"Yes, Animagi is the plural of Animagus," Aria said in a tired voice to match Remus' grin, "and I sincerely hope that was the author asking, not our Remus here."

"Making Remus stupid, check," Polaris offered. "And betraying his friends' trust too, check, I think. You don't go around telling everyone that your friends are Animagi."

"Leaving Peter out, check," Aria added, warming to it.

"Anyway," Remus continued, "they can't come tonight. They are actually going to study for the Charms exam on Friday."

"Some friends," Polaris muttered.

Barely a second after Remus finished speaking, the full moon began to affect on them. They both crouched over in pain.

"Okay," said Aria, activating the portal, "_now_ we go."

They went.

The portal reopened on the Gryffindor common room in the daylight again. Just as they got there, so did Dumbledore, Remus, and Rayna. Dumbledore was saying, "I want both of you to sleep all day and rest. You need it. And Rayna, if anyone asks, tell them that you were sick in the Hospital Wing last night and early this morning. Same goes for you, Remus." Rayna and Remus nodded and Dumbledore left for his office.

"Well, I guess I will see you whenever we are both awake, eh?" Remus said as they walked up the stairs to the dorms. The agents followed.

"Um, I know this is a little stupid, but do you think I could stay with you today? I don't really want to be alone in the huge dorm room all day. I would get really bored and lonesome," Rayna asked. Remus thought about it for a moment.

"Just say no!" Aria hissed.

"Okay, you can stay with me. I don't think any harm with come of that." Rayna smiled and thanked him as then entered the boys dormitory. Remus got into his bed right when Rayna noticed a problem.

"Um, Remus?"

"Hmm?"

"Where should I sleep?" Remus thought for a moment and then had an idea. No, she wouldn't want to do that. It would be too uncomfortable. But...what other choice do we have?

"Well, let's see," Polaris said. "There's James' bed, and Peter's bed, and Sirius' bed, and your bed. Let me guess which bed she'll take."

"She'd better not," Aria growled.

"Umm..." Remus said, "I guess, if your all right with it, you could sleep with me, I ,mean, in my bed, nothing else. I don't think any of the guys would like it if they saw a sleeping girl in their bed. Actually, they would probably like it but I don't think it would be a good idea," Remus concluded.

"If it's not a good idea," Aria said, voice shaking, "don't do it!"

The Sue said, "I guess that would be fine. I mean, we aren't doing anything, right?"

"Of course not," Remus said, slightly rushed. "We aren't doing anything." So Rayna pulled the covers up and – 

"Hold it!" Aria shrieked, throwing off her Invisibility Cloak. Polaris followed suit. "That's it," Aria snapped. "You are _not_ getting in the same bed as Remus Lupin as long as we're both living, and that's final!"

The Sue looked confused. "Where did you come from?" She saw their Ravenclaw badges. "How'd you know the password?"

"Shut up," Polaris advised her.

"Thank you," Aria grinned. "Now – Rayna Faol, you are charged with making the Marauders only reluctantly friends with Peter – though I can give you some credit for including him – making Peter's weaknesses obviously to people who have only just met him, changing tenses without warning, and – oh gods – _murdering_ Remus's characterization, for discovering upon minutes of arriving secret passages, which are, by definition, secret and only known to the Marauders (and probably Dumbledore), starting Hogwarts in the seventh year and immediately being one of the top students, and for giving me motion sickness." She looked at Polaris. "Did I miss anything?"

"Er … you're also charged with somehow killing _Lily's_ characterization, for making godsawful Sirius jokes, and for screwing with Hogwarts and Hogsmeade geography," Polaris said. "Oh, and mixing 'your' and 'you're' and 'it's' and 'its.' It's a pity we can't send you to Miss Cam to have grammar pounded into you, but I guess we'll just have to settle for killing you. Any last, non-sappy words?"

"Excuse me," Remus said tentatively, "but I don't know what you're talking about, and Rayna and I were just going to lie down for a little nap." He blushed.

"Sorry, Remus," Aria said, not taking her eyes off the Sue, "but you're not yourself right now. You wouldn't really like her. We apologize for the inconvenience, though." She nodded to her partner.

Polaris cheerfully shot Rayna with a silver bullet.

Both agents caught the Sue as she fell. Opening the portal, Aria winked at Remus, who was looking deeply confused. "Nice talking with you, Remus. By the way, you look much better now that your hair isn't blonde any more." They dragged the body through the portal and closed it.

There was momentary silence. Then Polaris said, "I'll take the CADs to Makes-Things, okay?"

"Sure –" Aria started, and then there was a knock on the door. Which was smoking. Exchanging curious looks, the agents crept towards the door, and Polaris opened it gingerly.

Five creatures were sitting politely in the hallway – two fiery demons, two very large spiders, and a disgruntled owl.

"Our minis are here!" Polaris squealed, diving down among them. There was momentary havoc, in which it was established which creature belonged to whom. Polaris ended up with Draoc the mini-Aragog sitting happily on her lap, with Biblo the mini-balrog attempting to curl around her shoulders (singeing her hair a bit in the process). Pipin the mini-balrog wove around Aria's knees in the manner of a flaming cat, and Lupi the mini-Aragog scuttled off to look around the agents' office.

The owl hooted reproachfully.

"Ah," said Aria. "Sorry." She took its proffered letter, skimmed the contents, and squealed happily. "Polaris! We get to go on vacation!"

Her partner jumped to her feet, spilling reproachful minis. "We _what_?"

"Well, not exactly vacation," Aria amended. "You know the Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy?"

"Of course," Polaris said scornfully. "Our mini-Aragogs are imported from there. How dumb do you think I am?"

Feeling it would be best for her health not to answer that question, Aria pressed on, "Well, Meir Brin sent us this owl requesting that we come to HFA to be sort of … bodyguards at some classes. Remus' and Draco's classes, respectively." She looked up excitedly from the letter. "Want to go?"

"To relatively-canon Hogwarts? To torture fangirls?" Polaris asked.

Aria nodded.

Polaris pulled a tranquilizer gun from somewhere in her purple vest. "All set!"

Aria briefly considered feeling sorry for the fangirls. Then she decided against it.


End file.
